I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
