I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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