I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
