I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
