Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
