I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
