I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
