its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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