My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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