just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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