brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
i now understand why vodka
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
