I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
