i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
