I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
