I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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