I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
