I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
