You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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