I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
