I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
