I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Randomize