OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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