I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
