Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
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