sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
We're using joints as your birthday candles
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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