why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
