She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
