so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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