I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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