Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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