i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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