hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize