im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
