i think my mom watched the whole time
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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