dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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