So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
