today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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