when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
