you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
my penis made a compromise with my morals
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
