I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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