I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
