it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Randomize
