I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
