Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
