Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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