I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
