We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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