My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
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