Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize