For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Randomize
