Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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