I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Randomize
