Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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