I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
