Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize