i can't believe i had my finger in that
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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